Forgive & forget ?
It has hitherto been my belief that if someone wrongs you,forgive that person & leave the matter of justice in God's hands.Move on & if possible cut off connections with that person.But sometimes it is not possible to do that-then be on your guard.But let go of negativity before it wrecks your peace of mind.
However i have been told by many-esp victims of child abuse-that they would never do that.The bitterness that was installed in their hearts by those heinous creatures, continues to fester coloring their whole life .
Since i can never imagine what they had to go through,i mean really feel it- as they did-i wonder if they are right.But in this way they are losing out on a normal ,happy life.
So what do you think is the way out for them & also for others who hold on to grudges?I really feel i need to correct my perspective.Your views will help to clear my mind.
Reason: wrong entry
Indu ji, when you're hurt, very deep by someone, the scar that comes there is deeply etched. I also cannot really step into their shoes, its all too easy to imagine, but like you said, we can never feel what they went through.. I like the philosophy of yours.. let go of negativity before it eats up your mind.. but if you're talking of abuse victims, I doubt its easy to forget. I saw a tweet earlier on my timeline, it said, "The picture that stays in the eyes remain memories we cannot forget". For them, the picture of the pain they went through would be the last thing they remember clearly.. the joys before are overwhelmed by that one bad memory I feel. We don't think that's right, but we cannot fault them for thinking that way either right? If someone, God forbid, hurt me that way, I'd not be my old self for a long time atleast, if not for ever.
Yes Vinay,personal violations are hardest to gulp or forgive.I had written a post"Forgiveness for wellness" at my blog, but now i think it was too theoretical & needs amendment.The more i think over this matter,the more i realize; that forgiveness is one thing,forgetting is another & vengeance is totally different.A victim may forgive but s/he cannot easily forget.What we should avoid is, a burning desire to hurt the perpetrator because that is what harms us most of all.Do you agree ?
No actually, Indu ji. I wish I could agree with that, but not completely. A victim may forgive but he/she cannot easily forget.. I don't think it is possible for that forgiveness to stay or to be meant unless and until the injustice that happened to them can be forgotten. If the memory is fresh in mind and eats you whole every so often, the thought of forgiveness would not come to mind, or if it did in the past, then the thought of forgiveness would be forgotten rather than the deed itself. The burning desire to hurt the perpetrator would be there, and at times it cant be helped.. what is needed is to not give in to that desire if it comes I feel... if the feeling can be avoided, then well and good.. but if it comes, as I feel it normally does, it is best if one doesn't give in to that feeling..
Well, there is possible another angle to this. Sometimes these victims seek revenge not only from the perpetrator but on society as a whole. I don't have real life experience. But lot of fiction has been built on this line. And I think ideas for fiction are mostly derived from real life. So possibly true in real life as well. The stronger ones who survived the abuse can emerge really powerful and can make the entire world pay for their sufferings. If not so powerful, they may like to pass on the hurt to whoever I can. I can't do anything against the boss in office, but at least I can come home and beat up my dog to let go of some of my feeling of hurt.
Basically victims at young age would remember ill treatment lifelong, it will either make them strong willed to overcome adversity which is positive trait, the reversal of the same would lead to revenge. The victim would obviously grow up with a grouse that he or she was ill treated and start taking revenge at every stage of life first against relatives, second against friends, thirdly against husband or wife, finally against the children. The saga never ends. If one is able to forget it as bad dream such person is really blessed with the grace of god, they prosper like anything.
So true, Umeshji, but to take this a step further, if the feeling of vengeance against the old perpetrator is evident in the actions against firstly parents, secondly other relatives and then friends.. growing inside the person is a monster which cannot be quelled easily correct? Is it then fair for parents of that victim to forget that the vengeful actions can continue against the wife/husband and then their children and go ahead with the marriage? I raise this question because one of my best friends was married to such a person, unknowing that an emotional scar was there in his life. His parents never told her or her parents that. She finally got to know after few months and now stays away from him, after suffering till then, both his actions and the agony that the parents refused to blame his scars and instead opted to say that it was her who was responsible.
I pray all such victims are given the strength to forget and prosper later in life, because it is their life, and in future, their life would affect yet another life too. It pains me to see my friend in such a state, hear her voice unlike her usual chirpiness when I talk to her.
It is true Vinay that one cannot forgive a wrongdoer while the memory is fresh..but after some time many do shrug it off as an unfortunate happening & get on with life...primarily it depends upon the magnitude of hurt 1stly ;& 2ndly upon what sort of support system they have....if a bad memory is spoiling someone's tranquility then it is best to get absorbed in a fav pastime so that brooding gives way to creative satisfaction....am i being unrealistic here ?
Otherwise what will happen is that the victim may become a psychopath or neurotic as it happened with your friend's husband....this anger has to be redirected into positive channels.
TS(i dont like to call u by your chosen name) What you say has been illustrated in the lives of serial killers for ex....you say the powerful ones make the whole world pay, while the weak take it out on those weaker than them....yes; but there could be a third option for the well adjusted balanced individuals----that they should leave it on father time ; sooner or later they will get their just desserts....we may not see it happen before our eyes but this is a good thought to calm the turmoil going on inside the mind of victims...
Umesh ji ill treatment of children is a scourge too painful for words..yes it must be very difficult for them to get over it....even if they show no scars as they grow up ; it must saddle them with so many fears,biases & complexes...may God help them.
Well, Indu ji - Each human is so different and unique. What you are saying is the ideal case. If ideal case were true, world will be having 6 billion self actualized indiiduals and there will not conflicts and this would have been heaven on earth. Even every evil dictator or corrupt politician has his own story, his own reasons for what he does.
Even personally I theoretically agree with you. But I have observed my own reaction even while watching movies. Involuntarily, rage builds up when I see injustice being done even in the silliest of movies and I stay glued to my seat and enjoy every moment of the villain getting his deserts later on. In fact, I have tried to avoid movies to keep my violent tendencies from surfacing.
OK, it comes from somone who has been a victim himself. I have been a victim of such abuse twice, though the harm was not much and it was to a very limited extent. Once it was by a stranger in a bus and second time it was bt a distant relative. I was in my teens and I don't know why, but I was able to let it go easily. It may be because I was no more a kind and had already entered my teen-age or it may be because there was no physical harm and I was just wondering what they were upto.
Its not an easy task to confess it in a public forum and this is the first time I have ever revealed it. No one, even my closest friends know about it. And yes, I repent even today for not raising my voice against it, may be I was too terrified. Thankfully, I was able to overcome it quickly.
"It may be because I was no more a kind"
Its kid and not kind
Its true Animesh it requires courage to come out about such things.Maybe it is easy to forgive a stranger,or at least forget about him.But a relative--the revultion multiplies manifold.
Thanks for your reply.... yes every human being has his own unique way of reacting to situations...i just try to point at the right way..dont know how much good it is doing.
indu ji, "let the matter in god's hands". my stance happens to be pray to god for forgiveness of the wrong doer, he is a fool, and know's not what he is doing.
I remember one stance when a rowdy had come to me, when I was alone at shop and gave heavy threatenings, I was sitting in my silence (maun) period. I couldn't speak to him, but I motioned him to come another day. I prayed for his forgiveness to god, with sincere earnest. but, strangely, I heard of his death by gas cyllinder blast at home next day.
Oh! very strange indeed.You are way ahead my thinking--i only think of forgiving the wrongdoer on my part but you want his pardon from God himself---a totally new & elevated perspective!
it's a strange world indu ji. i would like to add here a happening with lord mahavira, in the jungle. he was sitting in silence and a man left cow in front of him to guard. he didn't reply as he was in silence, [mauna], when the man came back, his cow was gone. thinking lord mahabira has stolen the cow this man pierced nails in the ears of mahabir ji. mahabir ji didnt retaliate, but the god was angry and wanted to punish the man. lord mahabira prayed for his forgiveness, profusely/.
Asking pardon for a wrongdoer from God himself is the highest form of forgiveness but who is capable of it today?